On My Way

In the creation of my blog I was struggling with being consistent, dwelling on the past, and moving forward with my future. I was focused on the things I didn’t have and I created a little plan to help bring the faith alive in my life and to be happy with the small things. I made it a point to run every morning, to eat healthier, to meditate, and to write(shown Here,Here, and Here. These daily goals allowed me to realize all that matters in life is the present moment.

Nine months later, a term long enough for the creation of a human being, I would say that I have learned more about myself than I have in the last 5 years. I have a sense of direction of where I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to do. All of the wrinkles haven’t been exactly pressed, but that’s when life happens.

I’ve always been a goal setter, so I’m going to set some goals for myself for the rest of the year:

1. Lose inches. I say lose inches because weight really doesn’t matter. I just want to feel good in my leggings and jeans this fall. As you can tell I love fall fashion so much that it’s a great motivator for me to feel good about myself on the outside as much as I do on the inside, hence Faith and Fashion 🙂

2. Write more, write freely, express myself. I’m almost finished with Tropic of Cancer and it has changed my life. Miller’s writing style is like no other; poetic almost. He says when he writes he doesn’t over analyze it. He doesn’t go over it and try to make it sound better. He just writes how it is. There’s so much I want to say or write, but I am always censoring myself. I want to stop the censor. Like this little number I wrote here.

3. Blog. I want to blog more, use more personal pictures and really amp my site. The end.

4. Be my best. I really just want to focus these last 3 months and give it all I’ve got. I want to workout, work hard, play hard, and just be the best person I can possibly be.

Soar

The world is a whisper. My heart aches for more; more understanding, more fear, more lust, more desire. There’s much to discover, but I am but a bird caught as this old lady’s prisoner. This cage is too small, too hot, and reeks of my own shit. Hung in a dark corner, forgotten, and abandon my cage awaits for the rust to cut it like a knife.

My wings, shiny, bright, and yellow; fluffed and ready. But this lady is isolated. She’s grown used to my beautiful breast and my glorious morning hymns. I am only a burden. A chore. Her own misery cannot escape my existence. She cannot see that I, too, need companionship and adventure-to open my wings and feel the release of flight.

She is buried under mounds of old newspaper, dirty coffee mugs, and musk. The cats are screaming, licking dirty plates and taunting me with their eyes. Waiting I am for the moment their bellies are eating their insides. Waiting for their curious minds to pick my latch. They do not sense my readiness, my desire, or my need. They can only feel the crumbs from their last meal. Patiently I am perched planning my escape to fly out the kitchen window, spread my wings and soar.

By: me

All I Need

traveling….. sipping….. smiling… wondering.. relaxing….. packing. joking… kissing……… disappearing. hoping.. longing…. gazing. laughing… daring. watching.

wishing………………

Photos from www.wmagazine.com

Sweet Summer Serenity

esteflex.blogspot.com

Inspired by Ms. Jeni Combs (http://lovingmaryforever.com) and remembering the excitement I used to have waking up in the morning and finding inspiration from mere strangers telling me to keep going and reminiscing how they connected with my words and feelings-I am ready to start writing again. I have learned through my journey to independence that, for me, I have to have faith. Faith in something. I know there is something greater out there than just us humans here on earth. There is a force. Whether it’s God or whether it’s science there is something. Having faith gives one a positive outlook on life. I don’t know if you can be a positive person and not have faith in something, but having faith has released my anxiety about my future and allowed me to enjoy every moment…well almost.

I don’t care about making it to New York, working for a magazine, producing a fashion show, or all the dreams my heart has ever desired. I know I have what it takes to do those jobs. I know if I were there I could do them. I don’t have anything to prove to myself. I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now. I love the relationships I have built here in Indiana. Call it Midwest mentality, but people are all that really matter; family and friends. I would move to New York in a heartbeat if the opportunity would arise. I am always seeking an adventure, but enjoying the journey now (no matter where you are) is what life’s all about.

Looking back, the best memories are being with those I love, whether it’s under a sky full of shooting stars, drinking a great beer at a hole-in-the-wall pub, dancing until my feet hurt, or eating my brothers’ best smoked BBQ ribs you have ever tasted in your life! Those are the moments I cherish and those are the moments that keep me living the great life.

Glimpse of Light

It’s 4 a.m. and I am drawn here to write to you about the most magnificent dream I have ever had in my life. This morning I awoke from a vision I know was sent from no other than God himself. He sent me the one, concise clear vision for my career and my goal in life. I wish I could share it with you, but if you stick with me long enough you will be able to experience it. It is a place I will create for a following to come and see.

This dream was magical and one detail I will share with you is about the food I ate there. A man offered me a crunchy flatbread that looked almost like bark. He dipped it in this oily, garlic, thick salt mixture and told me it was called Feng Shui. He said it helps to “clear the mind”. As I was eating it I literally could feel my mind clearing, like I suddenly could see everything. He said the properties in the salt were to “clear the senses”. That’s the physical of what I was actually feeling in my dream. The funny thing is that in my dream this was Gabrielle Bernstein’s vision, but when I woke up in a pool of sweat, I realized this wasn’t Gabrielle’s vision this was my vision. I then began to cry, because now I know what I am meant to do on this earth and God showed it to me clear and simple.

The Magic Game

Inspiration Board

Since my New York post I’ve really been focusing on my vision for my future. My vision used to consist of me working at a magazine or producing a fashion show and then it stopped. Now after corresponding with so many people from Herfuture.com my vision has expanded into a life. Now, I want to go to New York for more than just a career, but to meet these women who are just like me! I love fashion, but through this process of finding myself I am learning that I love helping other people and making them happy. Fashion is a hobby. It sparks a creative outlet for me to express myself or help others express themselves, but I’ve realized that I am more than that.

If someone had told me at a young age that I could be anything I wanted to be, I would probably have a been a fashion designer. However, someone did tell me that I would never make it as a fashion designer and I believed them. From that point on I decided in my mind that I wanted to be the next best thing–the person that helped the designer’s dream come true.

While my thoughts used to latch onto anxiety over fear of never working for a designer or a magazine, which also equaled FAILURE in my mind, my thoughts now are intertwined with love and helping regular, normal people achieve their dreams…whatever that may be. I am still working on the one concise thought or vision of what success means to me. For what I know about the Law of Attraction, you have to know exactly what you want in order to get it. To help me achieve my definition of success I have a bulletin board in my room that I cut out pictures and pin them to. I pin mantras, pictures of inspiration, or pictures of my future self. Every few weeks I think it’s important to cut out more pictures and take down ones that make me feel like maybe it’s not me anymore. If I’m unsure I move the pictures to the outside and keep thinking about it. The goal is to one day feel like the entire board is who I want to be and where I want to be and then go after it and make it happen.

Big City Dreams

Below is one of my old postings on my old blog. It is one of my favorites and I want to share it with you.

The Christmas before I graduated high school my mom gave me a snow globe that played “New York, New York.” Though the actual value of the snow globe was not that much, the inspiration and feeling of looking down on the city in arms reach gave me hope that one day I’d be making my dreams come to life.

I took the snow globe to college and set it on my nightstand to look at every night before drifting off to sleep. A few weeks before I had completed my freshman year I came back to my dorm room to find the snow globe shattered to pieces all over the floor. I was devastated. It seemed so ridiculous to any other human being that I was so upset, but in a way I felt like my dreams had been shattered and it was a sign that maybe I was too much of a small town girl to make it to the big city. I cried to my mom and she promised she’d buy me another snow globe. It wouldn’t have been the same if she did and I never asked for it and she never bought it.

Years later, forgetting about the snow globe, I moved to Atlanta and had gotten a job with a major retailer. As we all know it’s not the best time for the retail industry. The company I worked for decided to consolidate their offices to New York. It seemed like a fabulous opportunity for me, but after calls from New York came and went to the employees surrounding me, my phone never rang.

After a lot of hard work and determination (not to mention the incredible people pulling for me) I finally received a call. I figured this was my one and only opportunity. Right before my scheduled interview my co-worker walked into my cube and pulled out a present. This present was a snow globe that played “New York, New York” I couldn’t believe it. He had no idea of my past falling out with the snow globe my mom bought for me. It just goes to show when you think things couldn’t get any worse, if you are persistent, positive, and never lose hope than things can turn out to be greater than you ever expected. Even if I never reach my dreams in New York, I know it just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes we think we know what’s best for us, but everything always works out the way it was suppose to.