On My Way

In the creation of my blog I was struggling with being consistent, dwelling on the past, and moving forward with my future. I was focused on the things I didn’t have and I created a little plan to help bring the faith alive in my life and to be happy with the small things. I made it a point to run every morning, to eat healthier, to meditate, and to write(shown Here,Here, and Here. These daily goals allowed me to realize all that matters in life is the present moment.

Nine months later, a term long enough for the creation of a human being, I would say that I have learned more about myself than I have in the last 5 years. I have a sense of direction of where I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want to do. All of the wrinkles haven’t been exactly pressed, but that’s when life happens.

I’ve always been a goal setter, so I’m going to set some goals for myself for the rest of the year:

1. Lose inches. I say lose inches because weight really doesn’t matter. I just want to feel good in my leggings and jeans this fall. As you can tell I love fall fashion so much that it’s a great motivator for me to feel good about myself on the outside as much as I do on the inside, hence Faith and Fashion 🙂

2. Write more, write freely, express myself. I’m almost finished with Tropic of Cancer and it has changed my life. Miller’s writing style is like no other; poetic almost. He says when he writes he doesn’t over analyze it. He doesn’t go over it and try to make it sound better. He just writes how it is. There’s so much I want to say or write, but I am always censoring myself. I want to stop the censor. Like this little number I wrote here.

3. Blog. I want to blog more, use more personal pictures and really amp my site. The end.

4. Be my best. I really just want to focus these last 3 months and give it all I’ve got. I want to workout, work hard, play hard, and just be the best person I can possibly be.

Sweet Summer Serenity

esteflex.blogspot.com

Inspired by Ms. Jeni Combs (http://lovingmaryforever.com) and remembering the excitement I used to have waking up in the morning and finding inspiration from mere strangers telling me to keep going and reminiscing how they connected with my words and feelings-I am ready to start writing again. I have learned through my journey to independence that, for me, I have to have faith. Faith in something. I know there is something greater out there than just us humans here on earth. There is a force. Whether it’s God or whether it’s science there is something. Having faith gives one a positive outlook on life. I don’t know if you can be a positive person and not have faith in something, but having faith has released my anxiety about my future and allowed me to enjoy every moment…well almost.

I don’t care about making it to New York, working for a magazine, producing a fashion show, or all the dreams my heart has ever desired. I know I have what it takes to do those jobs. I know if I were there I could do them. I don’t have anything to prove to myself. I know that I am where I am supposed to be right now. I love the relationships I have built here in Indiana. Call it Midwest mentality, but people are all that really matter; family and friends. I would move to New York in a heartbeat if the opportunity would arise. I am always seeking an adventure, but enjoying the journey now (no matter where you are) is what life’s all about.

Looking back, the best memories are being with those I love, whether it’s under a sky full of shooting stars, drinking a great beer at a hole-in-the-wall pub, dancing until my feet hurt, or eating my brothers’ best smoked BBQ ribs you have ever tasted in your life! Those are the moments I cherish and those are the moments that keep me living the great life.

New Beginnings

Spring is a time for new beginnings. Flowers emerge, birds begin to sing again, and it’s the most popular time for couples to vow to spend the rest of their lives together. This spring marks the first spring of true independence from all things I once felt attached to.

Being in two long relationships back to back, one lasting 5 years and one lasting 2, I sensed that I had lost myself to some degree. Not allowing myself to heal after the first break-up and immediately jumping into another. When that one didn’t work out, I knew that I had to spend time with myself to find what it was that I wanted. I spent so much time and energy trying to mold myself into what they wanted, that I lost what I wanted. I dated a bit even after my last long-term relationship, but only to find that what I really needed was a relationship with myself. Now, a year since my last relationship, I finally have a sense of who I am, and what I want from myself and a life long companion.

I feel completely free from the feeling of having to have someone by my side for the sake of comfort or love (or a false sense of love). I love myself. It’s a completely different love that I am searching for. I’m not looking for love that fulfills my neediness, but I’m looking for a love that I can just love for what it is; for the good and the bad.

Some mark New Years or their birthdays as a clean slate for the rest of the year, but I mark the Spring of 2010 as a new beginning for the rest of my life.

Right Here Right Now

After taking some more time off I have made a quantum shift in my perception about life. I have awakened and realized that life only happens right here and right now. All the thoughts I have about the past and the future do not really exist. They are just thoughts. Now that I am conscious of this I am working at being more aware of the present. Every time I find myself feeling sorry for myself about the past I stop myself and focus again on what I am doing in the present. My thinking about the future usual consists of “I’ll be happy when…” or “If only I had…” I again stop myself and focus on the present. The present moment is the only one we can be sure of. It’s the only moment that really exists and if you stop and think about it, the only one that matters.

Successful people are successful because they do what they do well. You can’t do anything really well if you are focused on something other than what you are doing. With all of the technology these days; cell phones, computers, TVs and ipads..pick your vice…it is incredibly easy to escape. You completely zone out from what is really happening around you. I have made it my new goal to use less of it. Even when I’m in less exciting situations like standing in line at the grocery I am trying to take in my surroundings and maybe start-up conversation with a stranger. It’s so refreshing to know that the only thing we have to do is react to what’s happening now. That also goes for my blog. I really don’t want to feel forced to write something for the sake of writing. I want to feel inspired and write from my gut, not because I have to. If you enjoy reading my blog please follow me on Twitter or click subscribe on my home page (this will send my posts directly to your email.) I will write when the present moment inspires me to do so!

So my only question I have left, at the moment, is how do we plan for the future? Do we not plan for the future? I guess no matter how hard we try to control our plan, it always works out the way it was suppose to for some reason or another. Does that mean we should give up planning? I used to get so frustrated with my ex-boyfriends for not having a plan for the future…maybe they were right all along or maybe that is what attracted me to them in the first place. I have always admired people who were more free-spirited than I was. I aspire to be that and I think I am finally on my way. A weight has lifted from my shoulders and all of my anxiety has been released. My only job now is to stop myself from thinking and start living.

Life List

If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be? Here’s a bit of mine:

1. To love myself, forgive myself, and know that good things will only be.
2. Someone to love and to love me and to challenge me (for the better). Someone that can chill me out, accept my faults, and who loves themselves just as much.
3. To Explore: I want to explore the world, different cultures, languages, foods, religions and serve others along the way.
4. To help change others’ lives, big or small.
5. To birth children and raise them in a loving home
6. To be happy with the present moment and for the things that I have
7. To remain healthy, strong, and thin 🙂
8. To commit myself to learning new skills like playing guitar, learning a foreign language, painting, jewelry making, photography and cooking.
9. Think positive
10. React with love (especially when I want to fight, argue, or hate)